How my daughter is teaching me to be my authentic self

Last year, I made a really tough decision. It was after years of persistent bullying that resulted in tears almost every morning before school, and tears at the school gates at pickup time. When the miraculous opportunity came, I moved my daughter to start afresh at a new school towards the end of her final term in Year 5. Even though she only had one year left of primary school. I was an active member of the school’s PTA and some parents thought I was crazy. Others told me that she should develop tougher skin and stick it out. Many said she would struggle to settle down and it was too close to the end of this stage of her life to “destabilise” her. I followed my gut and it is one of the best decisions I have ever made!

The reason she was being targeted was because she refused to conform. At the age of 4, she came home one day rather cross. She complained that she did not like playing with the girls at her school because they were mean and spent more time gossiping and being catty than they did playing and she just wanted to play so she started playing with the boys. By the time she was in Year 4, the girls were asking her to audition to be a part of their friendship circle and she refused without even asking what she would need to do. She thought it was ridiculous. They made her feel awkward but she refused to follow them blindly. They all had access to TikTok perhaps through older siblings and she did not. So while they giggled over TikTok dance trends and videos they had watched, she played football with the boys. Ava was the inspiration for the character Jill from my TEDx Wolverhampton talk.

Initially, I told her off not really because I was opposed to her playing football with the boys, but because I was buying new pairs of school shoes almost every half-term! I soon realised that this was a real interest and so I became a reluctant “football mum”. I took her to buy her first pair of football boots. I was like a fish out of water but she was at home! She knew exactly what she wanted. I signed her up for McDonald’s Fun Football sessions and encouraged her to explore opportunities that helped her further her interests in sports. She was even selected to play at the Villa Park stadium once, and she has all the Aston Villa memorabilia to show for it! 

Her audacity to keenly follow her interests and be herself, to openly speak about her dislike for the colour pink knowing that it is my favourite colour, to be obsessed with mechanical toys and Lego and be anything but a “girly girl” led to bullying and name calling that I never imagined was possible among children her age. One day she came home eager to find out what the word “transgender” meant because one of the girls had used the term as a slur against her. This was after they asked her whether she identified as a girl or a boy. All because she likes football and plays with the boys! It was in the middle of the dining hall, loud enough for everyone to hear and they all laughed. 

Instead of cowering or giving up on her interests, she was even more determined to be herself. Soon the girls began to isolate her because they didn’t want to associate with a “transgender”. She was always the last one standing when they had to pick team members for anything and when she was placed on a team, members of the team would openly protest that they didn’t want her on their team! By this time she was 9 years old and I could not understand how children so young could be so vile. The school acknowledged on multiple occasions what was going on but didn’t seem to know how to deal with it. I wrote multiple letters and attended multiple meetings. So the letter from her current school offering her a place after she had been on their waiting list since her first day at school, was indeed a miracle. 

Even though she was doing okay in her previous school academically despite everything that was going on, I noticed that her love for learning had gradually dwindled while her confidence had taken a knock! Many parents tend not to consider their children’s mental health and emotional wellbeing or heed their cries for help. I know firsthand the impact that not affirming a child’s emotions and not helping them regulate safely and healthily can have. Sometimes we take it for granted that if we provide them with everything we think they need, they will naturally thrive. But balancing emotional wellbeing and creating a supportive environment are just as crucial as material needs. So moving her away from what had become an unpleasant and unhealthy environment was a no-brainer. 

Yesterday as she spent her final day in primary school, I reflected on how far along she’s come. She has thrived and has excelled. She has won multiple awards including Star of the Week on multiple occasions and earlier this year after delivering a passionate speech about online safety, she was voted by her classmates at the new school to be one of the school’s Computer Champions. Her report card notes; “Ava has worked extremely efficiently as a Computer Champion this year.” It was blind voting, unlike her previous school where this would have never happened. We live in a society where everything is seemingly democratised and decisions appear to be made through collective participation and majority rule. But even for us adults, how often are our choices based on merit and not herd mentality or popularity? Introduce this concept to children who are still developing social awareness and emotional maturity and it should not be surprising that you end up with a popularity contest. Not only was she not popular, she wore her heart on her sleeve and this doubled the emotional blow. 

Earlier this year, on her first birthday in her new school, she came home with birthday cards from two girls in her class. At her previous school, she was always excluded from birthday party invitations, so much so that for her 10th birthday, she requested a mother-daughter outing instead of a party. One of her new classmates asked why she left her previous school. She responded candidly, and the girl told her that it was the school’s loss and that she was happy to have her in their class.

We talk a lot about safe spaces but not enough about safe people. If a safe space is an environment where we can feel secure, comfortable, and fearless, then safe people are those who accept, respect, and value us just as we are. They are the people who help us embrace vulnerability and accept our imperfections without judgment and we all need them in our circles. A genuinely safe space is defined by empathetic and compassionate individuals who cultivate an environment of understanding, fostering a sense of security and belonging that nurtures our self-worth and wellbeing.

It is my hope that more parents teach their children to be kind while encouraging them to broaden their horizons, explore their interests, and discover their true selves to reach their full potential. In our home, we reject gender stereotypes; I do not believe in gendered toys. Girls should be free to play football if they desire, and boys should be able to explore dolls, wear pink, or join ballet classes if that’s their passion. Creating an environment where children can pursue their genuine interests without the constraints of societal expectations allows them to develop their unique identities, cultivate self-confidence, and embrace their true selves. It is crucial to encourage children to break free from these stereotypes, as this helps create a more inclusive and accepting society that values individuality and personal growth.

I have explained to Ava that not everyone shares this perspective, and there may be unfortunate consequences when others hold different views. Whether you choose to conform or be your authentic self, people will always lean into their biases and respond to you based on their social conditioning. We are all shaped by our experiences and surroundings, which can sometimes lead to unwarranted judgments and expectations. I have tried to emphasise self-awareness and self-acceptance, while encouraging her to make genuine connections with people who share her interests.

Raising Ava has made me appreciate the importance of raising a well-rounded child who thrives not only academically but also possesses emotional intelligence and resilience. Seeing her determined to stay true to herself in the face of bullying and bigotry has reinforced my belief in the power of authenticity. Every day she reminds me that we are the sky and everything else is just the weather. Life’s challenges are fleeting, like passing weather patterns. But as the sky remains unchanged, we too must remember our true essence and not let the passing storms define us. We all have the power to determine how we react when the weather changes for good or bad. I am forever grateful for the valuable life lessons that motherhood continues to teach me. Every day I am encouraged to cherish who I am wholeheartedly and embrace my journey with grace and compassion.

I always knew this day would come / We’d be standing one by one / With our future in our hands / So many dreams, so many plans…

From the desk of the scholar; when your parents hide the world from you to protect you, one day the world will find you. I’ve had many hard knocks and shocks but the lessons abound. So here I am, schooling life and sharing what I am learning along the way.

Featured Image Fact Check: The moral of this story is simple: be amazing, be you. Sometimes, the answer is not to change who we are but to find the right environment and connect with the people who truly appreciate us for who we are.